Terms & Conditions
Welcome to Apocalottery! Before you dive in, please take a moment to read our terms and conditions. We want to ensure everything is clear and straightforward, so you know exactly what to expect when participating in our apocalyptic lottery. Remember, it's all a bit of fun, and we donate 5% of every £1 spent to charity. Let's make the end of the world a little brighter together!
APOCALOTTERY — TERMS, CONDITIONS, DISCLAIMERS,
WARNINGS, PROCLAMATIONS,
COSMIC CLAUSES & UNAVOIDABLE AGREEMENTS
By accessing, loading, glancing at, hovering over, thinking about, dreaming of, or accidentally opening apocalottery.com (the “Site”), you irrevocably, eternally, and retroactively agree to all terms herein, whether you have read them, understood them, ignored them, or screamed into the void instead.
This Site sells novelty items only. No gambling, betting, wagering, predicting, forecasting, divination, clairvoyance, necromancy, prophecy, time travel consulting, or probability manipulation occurs. No prizes exist. No winnings exist. No outcomes exist. Reality is under no obligation to cooperate.
All products are novelty items intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to lotteries, tickets, predictions, fate, destiny, doom, or apocalypse events—past, present, future, alternate, simulated, or hypothetical— is coincidental, satirical, and legally meaningless.
You acknowledge that apocalypses may or may not occur, have occurred, be occurring, or occur simultaneously in multiple timelines. Purchase does not influence, accelerate, delay, prevent, summon, banish, or negotiate with said apocalypses.
Charitable contributions are calculated plainly and transparently. The universe is not entitled to a cut beyond what is explicitly stated.
You agree not to sue, threaten, hex, curse, litigate, arbitrate, meditate against, or otherwise attempt recourse against the Site, its operators, contributors, future versions, past versions, parallel versions, pets, plants, ancestors, descendants, or hypothetical manifestations.
Jurisdiction is asserted across Earth, near-Earth orbit, deep space, subspace, hyperspace, the multiverse, the omniverse, pocket dimensions, dream realms, afterlives, pre-lives, and any realm not yet discovered but later discovered and retroactively applicable.
If any clause is deemed unenforceable by any court, council, tribunal, deity, AI, alien intelligence, interdimensional solicitor, genie, or cosmic librarian, that clause shall be replaced with a clause that says substantially the same thing but louder and with more confidence.
These Terms may change at any time, including in the past.
SMALL PRINT (IMPORTANT)
You acknowledge that reading these Terms was optional yet mandatory. Failure to read constitutes acceptance. Reading constitutes acceptance. Disagreeing constitutes acceptance with attitude. Leaving the Site constitutes acceptance while walking away dramatically.
EVEN SMALLER PRINT (VERY IMPORTANT)
All caps, no caps, mixed caps, sarcastic tone, jokes, puns, or absurdities do not reduce enforceability in any universe where humor is recognized, which is all of them.
EEEENVEN SMALLER PRINT (YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF)
if you've come this far, at least you're paying attention. now agree and proceed already!